I don't have much time now to be honest. Actually if I'm going to be honest I fled my apartment and didn't slow down until I reached the computer lab to write a little bit. I am on campus right now which I haven't entirely been since the end of last semester. I didn't realize how much I missed it. I am in love with this ridiculous school. I like being around people, having the potential to meet new friends...
Oh, hell. It's obvious I just want to see my professor. That's how much of a loser I am. Recently, I went on the class website where in the bottom left hand corner they produce a list of all the users currently logged in. Paranoid, I was thinking I would be the only user present other than the teacher but I figured that was just a case of me being overly psychotic, why would the teacher even be on at the beginning of the summer? Of course, to my dismay, I was in fact the only other person besides the teacher on the list and I not only immediately got off the website, I closed the entire internet and shut off the computer. I could tell you that I never plan on going on the site again this summer but that would be a lie. If people actually read this blog I would open up the comments to the question : Have you ever had a juvenile infatuation with a professor, either back in the day or presently?
I am way too old to be such a lunatic - and even too old to still be in school - unless it was perhaps grad school.. which it's not.
I am also a person who really goes by the books. I think it is the ultimate taboo in modern American society to like a professor. There is something so slimy about it - last semester I would walk away from class feeling like I was the most disgusting creature alive - and I never even spoke a word to him! It was just my internal thoughts that were eating away at my conscience.
I tell this story a lot but since this is a music blog, I want to find some way to tie this all together: A few years ago I had the greatest professor in the history of teaching. He taught philosophy at my old college and changed my way of thinking so much that I ended up taking three classes with him and dropping everything else I was taking. I went through a minor breakdown because I realized how much more there was in the world that I wasn't taking advantage of and suddenly decided that everything I was doing in my life was completely worthless. During this time, my professor seemed like a beacon of light. Of course it's important to mention that I thought of him the way any good student should think of a teacher, like a well respected, crazy uncle who you enjoy seeing a couple times a week. He was such an awesome older man who always had a snapple bottle on hand and a large rimmed hat. He was the coolest and smartest teacher I've ever had to this day.
ANYWAY, one day I went to his office merely to ask him what kind of music he liked. He laughed and answered with something to the effect of, "Umm, it changes a lot but right now I listen to a lot of The Eagles, Johnny Cash, and America in the car."
It made my day! Granted, I was 19 years old then and a lot braver but it was the best response I could have asked for - exactly like something I would say.
At the end of my final semester with him, I wrote him a two page letter (because I'm crazy) explaining how much he had affected my life with his intelligence and compassion. And he really had. He wrote back with some of the kindest words I've ever been fortunate enough to read. He was truly one of a kind. Just like a kooky uncle. He was even the first person I told when I decided to move to West Virginia with an old boyfriend. It's such a rare joy to find someone whose opinion you hold in the highest regard. Maybe I would be making better choices to this day if I were still seeking his advice.
So, I think I got off track but I guess my point is that when you have innocent thoughts of family-type love for a person, it's easier to express than when you google 'teacher crushes' like you're literally 12 years old and can't even speak in the presence of someone. Of course, for any other intensely crazy person who may have found this on a whim, let me state that all the google information out there is worth exploring. Most claim that young girls, which I can still characterize myself as, feel this way because they are looking for something a bit more dynamic and sophisticated than they find in the folks their own age and crave the attention of someone incredibly passionate and intellectual. Si.
To add my own hypothesis, I would say that a large dose of boredom must come into play as well. I am bored right now and don't have any great ventures to speak of. Yes, the Paul McCartney concert is coming up next month but that doesn't evoke a feeling of excitement in my soul. I like my heart to race a little.
Recently, I even considered creating a separate website dedicated to relationships. Even if you love your significant other, it's tough to feel the right way all the time when you're going through the motions and the day to day stuff together. You need something on the outside to fantasize about and get your motor running, so to speak. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Just like a great song you want to be a part of, most fantasies are purely fun and innocent. No need to feel guilty about them (which I should tell myself more often).
It's actually quite disturbing that in 2009 young people are still made to feel bad about attraction and desire. It is the most natural instinct you could possibly feel. I must be in some sort of prime right now because I have been feeling this more than ever in the past few months. It's important to me. No one is young forever and I don't want my youth wasted. It's the only precious thing I have.
Sorry this wasn't really about music but who hasn't pictured a devastatingly attractive person sitting in a room alone somewhere listening to Sade's "Sweetest Taboo" just waiting for you to enter?
Hopefully not just me.