Dear John Mayer,
I have been a fan of yours for longer than I'd like to remember. Your music has been a contributing factor in many crucial events in my life for practically a decade. I read your blog religiously, quote you without meaning to, and take a lot of slack from my friends about being a member of your Local 83 Union for which I have official tags, VIP passes, and programs. I am downright in love with your music but I'm sorry to say, you do not live up to your words, Mr. Mayer.
I thought you were in on the joke. I thought it was okay for people to mock you because you were kind of mocking yourself. I mean, "Daughters".. "Your Body Is a Wonderland"? Are we supposed to take those seriously? No, I would say. I'm one of those loyal fans that explains patiently to anyone who dares insult you that your singles do not measure up to the entire body of work. I'm one of those fans that silently cheers when they see you mentioned as "musician John Mayer" in an article as opposed to "singer" or "heartthrob". People like me know you're a guitarist first and foremost. You love Stevie Ray Vaughn and B.B. King. The masters, like Eric Clapton and Sting, want you to play with them! But then something awful happened and I think you know what I'm talking about...
You turned into your own joke!
Like any doting fan, I will always stand loyally behind you and buy all of your albums until I am senile (and even then I'll try) but Mr. Mayer I am truly disappointed. Someone in your league should not be tipping off papparazzi or "standing up" for famous ex-girlfriends within earshot of the entire nation. You are the greatest, don't you know that? How are we, your fans, supposed to cover up for your mistakes this time? This is what I'm going to hear..
"You're obsessed with that John Mayer guy, right? He's such an asshole. All he wants is publicity."
or one I already got from a co-worker:
"You want John Mayer to play here? Let's just invite a B-List actress and he'll be right here."
Embarassment, John! I can write until I'm blue in the face about how great your lyrics are in "In Your Atmosphere" or how superb the guitar playing is in "Come Back to Bed" or even play "Covered In Rain" a thousand times over for everyone I know and try to explain how there will never be a better song and still it won't mask your confused mug all over every tabloid this side of Mars. Why can't you be like all the other singer/songwriters out there? Granted, Ryan Adams had a public fling with Mandy Moore and then used OK! Magazine as his journal for a couple weeks probably making her feel horrible, but what about everyone else? Jason Mraz is never prancing around with twenty girls on his arm and making lewd comments about them, Damien Rice even stayed in check when he was dating Winona Ryder. Why can't you get it together?
You are such a smart man, full of wisdom far beyond your years and yet I am only assuming those hooligans you hang around with must've egged you on to this nonsensical behavior. I know you try to be honest and friendly with your fans to the point where some have called you "bizaare" in the press but really: we don't need to know everything. Let the people in our real lives be the ones we hate for being jerks and messing up. I can really be spared Chelsea Handler publicly saying you're "in the same league as Spencer Pratt" and calling you "disgusting" and "bald". Who cares what you look like, Mr. Mayer? I care about your MUSIC. Your music is the best I have ever heard. I bet it would cure diseases, wake people up from comas, stop tropical storms, and make Russia throw out all their nuclear weapons. As a matter of fact, if I were president my first call of duty would be to bring in my entire cabinet and make them listen to "Heavier Things". I have a feeling they'd forget about passing bills and bombing Iraq and simply want to have some chai and play air guitar.
Also, it must be said: pick on someone your own size! Jennifer Aniston may be a tiny lady but she is larger than life with the 20-45 year old female set. US Magazine would rather put your head in a juicer than make her out to be a villan. If you're going to talk publicly about famous people, forget Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jessica Simpson, talk about Tom Petty or something. Tell us why you chose to do a cover of "Free Fallin". Please don't talk about how it's even "more interesting" to you to talk about your love life than your music. You sound like a dirtbag when you say things like that. Yes, joke around during your concerts about The Goonies inspiring your songs but don't tell us that Ms. Aniston was not kinky enough for you. That's trashy, right? (PS. You're better looking and more talented than Brad Pitt, so why would you be obsessed with him as they say?)
To play devil's advocate here, I understand where you're coming from. You want people to know that your relationships are no different from everyone else's. You want us to know that you're not a 'douchebag' like everyone in the world says you are. Possibly you even feel comfortable enough with your fanbase to say things to them as if they were friends. Unfortunately, friends are hard to come by and even if you're someone's guilty pleasure on the radio they'll still trash talk you when they're bored with their friends. On a positive note, I will say that one of the main reasons I love you is because you're different from everyone else, Mr. Mayer. You're just a down to earth guy that wears Batman hoodies with actual felt bat ears on the hood - and that's cool. You're extremely nerdy, just like me. You partake in extremely nerdy activities, just like me, and although you like Paramore and Fall Out Boy, you also like Cream and Miles Davis. So I guess you still have some hope.
John Mayer, I never want to see you play at Starland Ballroom. You are too big for this place and I hope you always are. I never want it to be easy to meet you or see you for $10. That would destroy your place among the adult contemporary stars that you belong with: Billy Joel, Eric Clapton, James Taylor, etc. When I drink, Mr. Mayer, all I seem to talk about is you (well...). I ramble forever about wanting to travel the country to see all of your shows and reminisce about that time you had stomach pains and made the audience wait an hour in Maryland. I have played "Only Heart" on the jukebox of the Ale & Wich so many times they probably cringe when I walk through the door. If I'm tipsy enough I even play double the John Mayer songs. Please don't embarass me! I do it well enough on my own.
So in summation here it is: Lay off the dating for awhile. You have a summer tour going on, concentrate on that. Make Atlantic City's show this Sunday the best ever for one, Miss Angelica Diamond, and watch some Price Is Right with Mint Milano cookies because we all know that's your favorite. And if you have to date, didn't you say you had a crush on Maura Tierney? That's a good one - go for that.
Lots of love and cookies,
Angelica, your quasi-number one fan.
Meant for humorous purposes only - or at least mostly.